The
Patented Uncle Clive 'dust-o-rama' ometer: June 2001
We've
reached the most depressing few months in a consoles life,
the post E3 blues have hit. Q4 can't come quick enough
for Nintendo who seem to have packed all their genius
into the end of the year. Hopefully a chubby plumber can
use his new fangled water device to wash the dust from
our Indigo wonders.
Sony's machine, whilst gathering a little less due to
ICO, doesn't seem to have too much on the horizon, unless
of course you are looking forward to the new Final Fantasy,
(in which case take your bearded fat frame over to a PC
for your tedious turn based kicks).
Microsoft,
to be fair, do have some decent titles kicking around,
but its Halo which really stops the dust building up (and
perhaps the mammoth surface area of the hardware). X-Box
fanboys may have Sisters of Mercy albums to occupy themselves
with, but the rest of us will soon be getting twitchy
thumbs. Time to open that fat wallet again Mr Gates, if
you're not going to rid the world of poverty and disease
then at least give us some more AAA titles.
I'll
be using the dust-o-rama'ometer again at the end of summer.
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If
women wrote videogames:
No.83, Super Gossip Bitch World
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ITC
Ban Microsoft X-Box advertisement
Uncle
Clive looked at this fairly decent commercial earlier this
year (here). Complaints
which the ITC received after the airing of this advert ranged
from issues surrounding the 'Life is Short' message to the
lack of taste at seeing a baby being fired out of a hospital
window.
Shame
really, because the baby crashing through glass was by far
the most interesting thing Microsoft have done with Windows
in years.
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FEATURED
LINK OF THE WEEK:
Kobra StarWars M.U.D.
http://kobra.et.tudelft.nl
A
Multi-User Dungeon based in the StarWars universe?.... only those
over 18 stone and sport 1kg of facial hair need apply. Play a
style of game that died out with the invention of the graphics
card.
Strangly compulsive.
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Spectrum
Joy Pad?
In
case you missed it last week. CLICK
HERE to see the greatest invention that never was...... |
A zombie, yesterday. |
Calls
for gun club ban after zombie massacre in local arcade
Staff
at the Brighton Caesar's Palace Arcade were wholly unprepared
when last Tuesday gun club member, Jason Ingles, walked
calmly into their premises, inserted a £1 coin into
SEGA's 'House of the Dead' arcade machine and proceeded
to pump round after round of light into the heads of the
hapless polygonal zombies.
"I've
never seen anything like it" said a visibly shaken
arcade owner Mike Turnpike, "He just stood there for
over on hour on one credit and went round the game three
times, he was relentless, I could have normally made £10
in the amount of time he was there.".
Arcade
security rushed to the scene and asked Ingles, 34, to leave
and even offered him a refund to stop his protests.
"It's
clear where he learnt to shoot a gun like that. We should
call for an immediate ban on these so called 'Gun Clubs'."
said a top psychologist, "How many more arcade owners
must lose income before we as a society do something about
it?" she added.
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Uncle
Clive needs YOUR help. Yes YOU.
After last weeks item on pub gaming (see bottom, "oldschool
gaming devices...") I received I number of mails with
the addresses of various pubs around the country that still
had these machines (or just plain old upright cabinet games)
still installed.
"Why
not start a tabletop locate-o-matrix?" wrote reader
Joe Whiteley.
So
thats precisely what I'm going to do. Hopefully providing
a national database of retro arcade games (strictly in pubs
only), for all the people who want to experience them again
(or those who want to play them for the first time) outside
of an emulator.
You
never know, there could be an old Space Invader, Pacman
or Galaxian in a pub near YOU and you didn't know.
PLEASE
send in your sightings and ADDRESSES of any pubs
which which house such gems to 'retropubgame@uncleclive.co.uk'
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The
Beetroot Reviews No. 22: Nintendo's Pikmin
In
the 1989 Psygnosis classic 'Lemmings', the main protagonist,
'you',
didn't matter. What did matter to your average "please
buy me one Dad, it'll help me with my course work"
Amiga owner, was saving the lives of the hundreds of green
haired rodents who wandered haplessly around the perilous
rock-ledged levels. Darwin would turn in his grave, it
was a true act of altruism on your part.
Fast
forward 12 years to Nintendo's Pikmin and we see you, the
spaceman, clearly exploiting the little Pikmin for your
own selfish needs (finding spaceship parts to escape). It
is your own survival you are fighting for. Hell, you can
even sacrifice a few of the little coloured critters if
it means getting that engine piston.
Could this be Miyamoto's statement regarding the Japanese
work ethic or... oh fuck it, who do you think I am, Steven
Poole? Just play the sodding game.
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Uncle
Clive says:
"By no means Nintendo Gold, but certainly
bronze. It would make a delicious salad which would
certainly be up there with a Marks and Spencer pasta
salad bowl. But, like a lunchtime snack it doesn't
last that long, and you may leave a few of the more
unsavoury bits in the bottom of the container. All
in all I'd say it was 'beetroot-tastic'" |
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SkoolDaze
2000 - Remakes for a new generation?
Last
weeks controversial cartoon moved off the front page for memory
purposes. CLICK
HERE or on the picture for the cautionary tale of Specs,
Thugs, and stroppy hoes..... |
EXCLUSIVE
- Uncle Clive uncovers 18 year old, first EVER E3 footage.
The
year was 1984, the first ever footage from the E3 conference
was being sent back at 1kilobyte per hour into the offices
of 'Crash' Magazine for the E3 special issue. A recent clear-out
at the Newsfield buildings uncovered this incredible historic
footage on a C90...... CLICK
HERE TO VIEW IT
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We
can only applaud Nintendo's new strategy.....
Nintendo
seem to be pulling out all the stops in their bid to attract
a more 'adult' audience as THIS
PIC, which was sent in by eagle eyed reader Jacapo, and
taken at one of the CubeClub promotional events, clearly shows..... |
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