Back
from Mission 3.
My
tour of Asia is at an end, and what better gift to bring back
my those of you still checking this site but some 'Engrish'
I filmed in a Buddah garden in China. I'm always the first
to mock, but their English is far better than my Chinese I
can assure you. It's funny because its not quite correct
English.
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Videogame
Characters Swearing: No 74. Toad
Videogame
Mysteries No: 32: Certain joypad buttons.
There
are certain areas of the videogaming industry that remain a mystery
to me, the sales of the Army Men games, the new Mario swimming controls
and Jon Romero's success, to name but a few.
This
week we are looking at joypad ergonomic conundrums, i.e. certain
aspects of game controllers that appear to defy rational explanation...
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The
Nintendo64 controller's left side:
Remember the left hand side of the N64 controller? Go and
get one now and hold it from the left. Weird eh? Its cold,
feels unatural and does little more than touch the back of
your hand. In fact, the only other time the left 'prong' was
touched was when your Playstation friend attempted to use
the controller for the first time, grabbing it and crudely
jabbing at the d-pad with his thumb. A shoulder button above
it? Very useful. Oddly, the N64 pad will be remembered as
one of the finest controllers ever, despite the fact that
1/3 of it was never used, and served no obvious purpose. A
bit like videogaming in general then.
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The
Playstation controller's 'select', 'start' and 'analogue'
buttons
The word 'Analogue' above a square button and a light
that glows red or green.... why? Same goes for the 'Select'
button, pointless. The
'Start' button which, like the "add a feasibily possible
to defeat end-of-level-baddie" button in Rare's Development
studio, must be one of the most unused buttons in gaming history.
As far as I can remember it has never been required. Perhaps
pressing it activates the 'emotion engine' or 'full screen
anti-aliasing'?
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The
Atari Jaguar controller button frenzy.
Ahhhh, the Atari Jaguar, or the 'J64' as less scrupulous game
dealers tried to sell it as when the N64 was first launched.
Certainly not the worst controller of all time (by a long way),
but perhaps the one with the most surface buttons. Not that
many games took advantage of this button feast though (not many
games took advantage of the Jaguar full stop), but one does
have to question the wisdom of putting 17 buttons on its controller...
was it one for each Jaguar sold eh Atari?
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Videogame
facts from 'Monkey in a bucket' 2
Seriously lads, cheers for giving me it back. Its my livelyhood
is that bucket, I can't imagine what I'd do without it.
- Tomohiro
Nishikado, inventor of 'Space Invaders' came up with the
design for the Invaders after several of his square-jawed,
mechanical friends came over and ate pizza, the remaining
squared-off pieces formed the shaped of the pixelatted aliens
we see today.
- Mario
Creator Shigeru Miyamoto didn't always make videogames for
a living...... he was once a young boy not legally old enough
to work to due to restraints imposed by Japan's strict employment
laws.
- The
first recorded videogame was discovered in Asia by archaeologists
in 1822, it was a primitive version of 'Pong' which used
polished marble as a display and crabshells as crude controllers.
Carbon dating suggests it was made around the Neolithic
period and was believed to have been played exclusively
by royal children during the Hang Dynasty (5BC-33AD).
More
green bucket originated, chimp written facts next week.
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Clive's
observations No 344: The four kinds of gamers.
"A
satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself
and then says them about other people".- Peter
McArthur.
A recent visit and subsequent prolonged stay at a friends
gameshop allowed me to observe these most unusual of creatures,
the modern gamer, at great length. I was originally going
to write this piece in the style of a David Attenborough wildlife
documentary, but it didn't really work without the voice.
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Despite
no longer being the new kids on the gaming block and entering
their second generation, the average Playstation owner's
tolerance of shite software still has the power to amaze.
7 years on and they still haven't cottoned on to the the
fact they are buying the same Football game every 6 months
with minor statistical information changes. They still
stand at TV screens in Electronics Boutique open mouthed
watching FMV and longing for the day when games go back
to using the 'D' buttons for directional movement.
Most
likely to say:
A copy of FIFA2002 and latest issue of FHM please Mr.
Shopkeeper....
Least
likely to say:
A copy of ICO and the latest issue of EDGE please Mr.
Shopkeeper....
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If
you have any trouble sounding condescending, find an X-Box
user to show you how it's done. Shouting system specifications
at every opportunity, this new breed of gamer wouldn't
have dirtied their hands on a console had Microsoft not
entered the fray muttering attractive words like "NVidia,
733hz, 64 MB DDR SDRAM", yet in their few short months
as console gamers they are veritable experts in the medium,
scoffing at the fools who are not clever enough to own
the X-Box
Most
likely to say:
"Have
I shown you 'The Silent Cartographer' level in Halo?"
"Has anyone seen my Marilyn Manson CD?"
Least
likely to say:
This controller was designed by a fucking idiot.
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Owners
of the console from a company which has provided the gaming
world with some of its finest moments, and don't they
like everyone to know about it. Decent games do not exist
on other platforms, and titles once labelled as 'utter
shite' suddenly become 'brilliant!' upon appearance on
the GameCube, a phenomenon knows as 'The Resident Evil
effect'. Whether they are nervously playing Smash Brothers
determined to try and find the fun in it or waiting patiently
for AAA games to appear, the Nintendo owner's inability
to criticise Nintendo is quite touching. Their ability
to criticise anyone who criticises Nintendo however, is
not.
Most
likely to say:
"No, Nintendo are really looking after Europe this
time around.... now, where
can I buy a copy of 'Freeloader' so I can play imports?"
Least
likely to say:
"You know, I can't be arsed to collecting all these
trophies"
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A
strange bunch divided in two camps, those who supported
the DC when it first came out, and those who are the vultures
picking at the dead carcass of SEGA's hardware division,
enjoying the spoils of war. The diehard players scream
"where were you when SEGA needed you?" to which
the newcomers respond "Does anywhere sell DC games
cheaper than a fiver?".
These
days they can be found wondering around Dixons looking
confused, scratching their heads and wondering which
of the remaining machines will be best supported by
SEGA. Do not pity them, soon they will be one of the
surrounding types.
Most
likely to say:
"I
was into PSO in the early days, before the idiots moved
in"
Least
likely to say:
"That was the worst ad campaign in the history of
videogaming"
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