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Pffft...
the tragic Dragon: A look at early Gaming mags, Part 1.
Console
wars are certainly not a new phenomenon, but never was the
divide between system owners more apparent than in the early
1980's when home computers ruled the roost in British homes.
One of these systems failed but one of them succeeded and
went on to virtually define the British gaming industry as
it was then, and is now. Can you guess which one?
Dragon
User - Dragon 32
"Turn your Dragon into a word processor" screams
the front cover of 'Dragon User', well, thanks for that but
I already bought Mrs Clive a copy of 'Mavis Beacon teaches
typing". "A beginner's guide to machine code
programming" states another wording flash, trying
to tantalise the potential purchaser. Not the best way to
attract a 10 year old boy I'm sure you'll agree. I've yet
to meet a nostalgic ex-Dragon user.
Crash
- ZX Spectrum
"Beat
the Aliens with Hannah's Playing Tips" states Crash
next to a painting of a semi-naked, large breasted, alien
mud wrestling female member of staff, whilst simultaneously
answering the prayers of 100,000 schoolboys across the United
Kingdom. "Win a Wurlitzer Jukebox!" it flashes
across the bottom, but there is no need for further temptation
to purchase. The happy newsagent is a magazine, ten foam shrimps
and quarter of colacubes lighter.
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Observe
the magazine which your average Dragon 32 user was reading....
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....compared
to the magazine Spectrum owners were purchasing.
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Special
thanks to 'www.old-computer-mags.co.uk'
for the images
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 Vapourware?
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Uncle
Clive's Watchdog sort of thing: Freeloader, fact or friction?
There
is something deeply ironic about Datel's Freeloader. The software
which promised to remove the sting of Nintendo European game
delays by allowing imported software to be played on PAL systems,
has itself been delayed.
Conspiracy
theorist may suggest that the Freeloader 'idea' was merely
invented by Nintendo as a means to get gamers to purchase
PAL Gamecubes at launch 'safe' in the knowledge they could
play imported games.... I personally don't except that, Datal
could make a killing in this area, it is in their own interests
to get the product on the market.
However,
accepting money for it is wrong, and Datel are quite happy to
have our money sat in their partners/distributors accounts gathering
interest whilst the product is being 'perfected', especially
considering most gamers bought one to play Mario Sunshine, which
has been out for months in Japan and is weeks away from a Euro
release anyway.
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An in-game waterfall, yesterday |
+++STOP
PRESS++++
3D Platform adventure game level designer hides secret object
behind waterfall
We
are getting reports that Guy McNeill of Bullshit games, has
hidden one of the coins in his game "Derek the Badger
in Bland collect'em up World" behind a waterfall.
"Only the cleverest of gamers will think of looking there
for a coin" he told waiting reporters.
Guy
hit the headlines last year when he surrounded an end of level
baddie with very objects needed to kill it and caused controversy
just a month later when, in one of his level designs, he placed
a draggable box near to an inaccessible ledge.
We'll
have more on this story next week.
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What's
new with UncleClive:
Eastenders actress/Nazi Cat look-a-like conundrum
I
saw this picture of a nazi-cat and was immediately struck
by it's similarity to an Eastenders Actress. Sadly I cannot
for the life of me recall who it is. No one I know has provided
me with an answer. Perhaps I'm mistaken, I'll let you judge
for yourselves, Which Eastenders actress does this Nazi-Cat
resemble?: http://www.uncleclive.co.uk/nc.htm
Speaking
of cats, this website has been giving me nightmares: http://www.konstruktiv.net/kitty_02.html
Also,
whilst I have the attention of my army of 22 readers, someone
might be able to help me... Whilst listening to the catchy
pop warblings of Britain's flavour of the month, Miss Dynamite,
I couldn't help thinking I'd heard her latest single before...
I'm sure that elements of the song are either: A) A
cover version of an older song. B) Based on an oldschool
hip hop track I used to listen to (around 1990 - 1992, someone
like 'The Pharcyde'). C) An early Fugees song (first
album, not the 'Killing me Softly era'). I'm more convinced
its 'B', and is based on a chant from an old hip hop record.
Can anyone help me out here?
Cheers
to those who e-mailed me regarding last week's SuperMario Sunshine
review, more agreed than didn't, I'm sure the PAL release (8th
October) should bring a flood of new opinions. This weeks issue
was brought to you by the letters F and O. Also thanks to UKBuckaroo
who brought the magazine cover differences to my attention over
a light lunch with him last week. |
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The
Sun don't always shine on my TV:
Uncle Clive's Super Mario Sunshine review
I
am no more qualified to review games than anyone who reads
this site, except for this one exception. Super Mario Sunshine.
Let
me explain.
Six
years ago my friend and I took our first tentative steps into
the 3D platforming genre in the sublime 'Super Mario 64',
and so began a love affair which lasted for many years (with
the game, not my friend, god no, you haven't seen him).
The
hours, months, years we spent playing Shigeru's classic gave
us an almost 'zen-like' control over the central character.
We understood the subtle control mechanisms which he had implement,
we could throw the little plumber around the brilliantly conceived
levels, bounce him off the walls and reach areas of the rooms
within seconds through clever use of shortcuts and our brilliance
on the controls. Mario was an extension of our fingers.
We
used to challenge each other to play a level at random and
would give each other marks out of ten based on the finesse
and acrobatic showmanship we displayed whilst achieving the
level task. In this sense, we played it like other gamers
play 'Tony Hawks Pro Skater'.
A
little over three weeks ago I recede my sealed copy of the
chubby plumbers latest adventure. Doors were closed, phones
were taken off the hook, girlfriends packed away for the weekend
and hands were being rubbed in nervous anticipation. Japanese
importers had loved it, magazines had loved it and web reviewers
had loved it.
We
were about to be re-aquainted with an old friend. Mario Sunshine
had arrived.
"Yes,
yes, yes come on" I mumbled as I bashed the 'B' button trying
to skip the FMV into. I don't need to know why Mario is in
the Carribean, nor the fate of Princess Peaches. What I need
to know is where the first level is, and how many platforms
are in it.
Ah,
here we go....... Er... somethings not quite right here.....
Click
here for FULL REVIEW and to find out the things that other
mags/sites didn't tell you, in the UK's first 'initally
negative' Mario Sunshine review....
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A
videogame, yesterday |
Industry
in shock as gamer has a day off and dosen't spend it playing
videogames and wanking
ENGLAND
(Reuters) - The games industry was last night thrown in chaos
when it was revealed that 27 year old Mark Jefferies, a customer
services manager from Swindon, had taken a day off of work
but didn't proceed to spend the duration of his sabbatical
in a blur of next-generation videogaming and repeated acts
of self abuse.
"Its
crazy" said Dr Paterson - Professor of youth studies
at Oxford, "all of our research suggests he should have
shut the curtains, fired up his Nintendo and punctuated his
gameplaying with frenzied acts of lotion-aided masturbation..."
he told reporters, "....stopping only to walk into the
kitchen to look for some food" he added.
It
is believed that Mr Jefferies had some errands to take care
of in town and had agreed to meet a friend for lunch that day,
but he did state that he would spend the evening "calling
down for more mayo.... over and over again". |
The police uncovered thousands of identical cassettes in an
abandoned warehouse. |
1980's
ZX Spectrum pirate game factory uncovered 15 years late.
Police
in Middlesborough have discovered what remains of a factory
which flooded school playgrounds with pirated Spectrum games
throughout the 1980's.
Professionally printed and distributed, each tape contained
anything up to 40 games, and in an effort to disguise that
fact they were created by organised crime syndicates the game-list
inlays were made to look as if they had been hand written
by a child.
"If
you had a game cassette in the 1980's which looked like this,
then it is almost certain it was factory-made by Britain's
most notorious criminals" stated FAST Chairman, David
Jesop.
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Videogame
Facts from 'Monkey in a Bucket' 3
Greetings
game fact fans! This week I'm looking at the history of everyones....
eh? Hang on a minute I'm just typing my column up... what's
that you've got? A syringe? get the fuck away from me with that
thing!... help!...FUCKING HELL!!! OW!!!...... I feel... sleepy....
I'm... glrrlrghghghlppp.
Ed - Shortly after this article was written Monkey in a Bucket
was found dead at his Shropshire Bucket. This issue of UncleClive
is dedicated to his memory. |
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Its
a crazy world!
Someone
has only gone and registered the 'supermonkeyball.co.uk'
domain name....
http://www.supermonkeyball.co.uk
Who
could do such a thing? Ok, it was me. I've put it to good use
though, I'm sure you'll agree. |
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+++++
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT +++++
Uncle Clive forum is now up and running!
CLICK
HERE TO VIEW
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A
runover child, yesterday |
Tu-rocks
don't make a right 3
Following
offers to pay all speeding fines to motorists (see
here) issued on the release date of *a certain driving
game*, Acclaim has now withdrawn the promotion after it
was condemned by The Department of Transport, the AA, police
and road safety organisations. "We obviously regret the panic
we caused amongst driving organisations and transport bodies"
said Acclaim's Shaun White.
Of course, the point of this controversial marketing is that
its generates free publicity for an upcoming title, how many
magazines/website/newspapers have carried this 'news story'
that wouldn't ordinary have mentioned the game? Uncle Clive
won't be a free advert for Acclaim, no Sir, I'll have no part
in their Jurassic/automobile-based advertising tactics.
*a
certain driving game* is released by Acclaim *at some
point in the future* |
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Updates
by Uncle Clive
Greetings,
been a while. Been very busy of late saving the world hence
the delay and small update, normal service will resume soon.
Thanks to everyone who pointed out that the Miss Dynamitee
song sounded a little like Musical Youth's 80's hit "Pass
the Dutchie". I accused a few of you of being on drugs
at first, but repeated listens brought me round. I'm still
not convinced but it'll do for now. No thanks however to anyone
for the nazi-cat
conundrum answers, as my delusion that it resembled an
EastEnders actress was clearly a personal one.
Until the next time.
Dr
U. Clive, BHons, IPA
Chairman, Labrookes International Bookmakers. |
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Its
a crazy world 2!
Students
are a lucky set of folks. When they're not complaining that
their lives are "too stressful" or getting pissed
up and 'hilariously' speaking in old-english to each other
in town centre pubs, they are now getting FREE videogames!
These
games apparently show the soap-dodging scroungers "how
to protect themselves and their property against crime. "
Sounds like GREAT fun!
"Crumbs
Tarquin, level 5's quite difficult, if I leave my windows
open I'm apparently more like to be robbed! - Anyway sod this,
are we off to 'ye olde pubbe' for a 'jug of finest ale' from
the 'bar wenches'?"
Read
the whole horryfiying story: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/2264920.stm
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